A word from (NOT) St. Pat

Another one has come and gone, and I’m sure many are feeling the effects. St. Patrick’s Day, the one time every year where people actually claim to be something they are not. At least partially.

“Dude, your name is Phil Armstead. You’re about as Irish as a Volkswagen. Take off the leprechaun hat, drop the accent, and put the Guinness down.”

I want to get a few things off of my chest on this whole St. Paddy’s Day celebration. Bear with me…

1. Corned beef and cabbage sucks. Really. This dish has become as synonymous with St. Pat as douchebags and goatees. Corned beef is a salt cured beef, used to preserve it until it can be used as a backpack. It is usually boiled, mainly because, well honestly, the person preparing it is either a crappy chef, or he/she only has one pot. The resulting substance looks like something from a low budget alien film, and tastes like salted ass. Cabbage is only put on the plate to hide the beef in some form of shoddy camouflage. If you want to go traditional on St. Paddy’s, eat a pastie, some stew made with lamb or beef, veggies, and potatoes, in a broth of Guinness in nature. Friends shouldn’t let friends eat the stuff that isn’t even Irish.

2. Green beer is absolutely the biggest insult to happen to beer. Don’t do it unless your first drink came with an umbrella and was served in a pineapple. If you want to go official, drink a Guinness, Murphy’s, Harp, or Donnybrook. And for God’s sake, sip a bit of Jameson’s or Bushmill’s. They’re the closest thing to legit. Green beer is for girls who want to have something other than a martini mixed with something to ruin it.

3. Drop the cliché’s. Top of the morning isn’t something to be uttered. Erin go bragh is not something you say to, well, anyone. If you want to pretend you’re Irish for the day, use the F word as a noun, verb, adjective, conjunction, predicate, and even as its own sentence entirely. And mumble. A lot.

4. Just because a bar has a St. Pat’s Day banner hanging from the window, it is not necessarily an Irish pub. Choose wisely. In fact, don’t go to the true Irish pub on St. Pat’s because it will be full of people doing the three things written above.

5. The Quiet Man and Boondock Saints are the best choices for films to watch on this day. Not that stupid Darby O’Gill and the Little People, for crying out loud. If you’re not into the Duke or Willem Dafoe in drag, try ONCE, or Waking Ned Devine. You’re welcome.

I just wanted to get this off of my chest, and hopefully provide a public service announcement for the masses who seem to be getting this whole holiday wrong. One doesn’t have to get trashed at noon to celebrate, or even drink at all.

Well maybe not at all.


Shutting up now.

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